HO ho ho little girl, have I got a surprise for you. . .
Yes it’s the time of year when unemployed men all over the country are dressing up in red suits, donning entirely unconvincing cotton wool beards and booming those immortal words in makeshift grottos up and down the country in the hope of earning a bit of cash-in-hand dosh.
And, having stocked up on an unfeasibly large amount of sweets, a turkey that would feed a small African nation for a year and sent cards to people you haven’t seen since you met them for the first time on a holiday to Crete in 1997, you’ll be excitedly hoping that Santa empties his sack all over your rug.
So you’re resigned to getting a hand-knitted pair of six-fingered gloves from Nana and an Airfix model of a Meschersmitt from Great Uncle Norman who still thinks you’re eight.
And you’ve bought all the presents you’re planning to hand out, no doubt including a pair of cuff links with golf balls on for Dad (he doesn’t, along with most dads, play golf but every shop in the country boasting ‘great gift ideas’ assumes all males are addicted to it), some smellies for Mum and one of those two-pint beer glasses from the gizmo shop for your lager-loving cousin Lardman.
But suppose for a moment we could hand out some speedway goodies. What would you buy and why would you buy them?
How about a pair of earplugs for Brian Havelock so he didn’t have to listen to the whingers who continue to undermine his efforts?
An extra set of underwear for anyone riding against Stuey Swales when he tries one of his famous dive bomb moves?
A Peter Pan outfit for Havvy? Now 41 and as eager as ever to lead the Bears, he’s certainly one who’s ready to act his age just yet!
Or how about some new CDs for Keith McGhie to play on a Thursday night? I think I know every word of Here I Go Again by Whitesnake now. . .
So – over to you. Which gifts would you give out if you were the Speedway Santa? Add a comment and share it with us here at Blogland!
While you’re doing that, let me wish you all a very happy and peaceful Christmas. Thank you for reading my pearls of wisdom again in 2009 – see you in 2010.